Showing articles filed in Twitter

Tweets from 2011 - www.twitter.com.au/sebsharp

 

Current Affairs:

I don't like that Canadians are rioting. It's like switching on 'Sesame Street' and Elmo saying 'FUCK!'

"An extra $100 a year tax will fucking ruin me!!" - Tweeted by Australians from their iPad2 while watching the broadcast on their 50" Plasmas.

The real tragedy would be if Gwyneth Paltrow resigned from Apple.

My mum is devastated that equal marriage law wasn't passed. She really wanted to give me shit about being unwed every Christmas.

"Can we see Bin Laden's Body?" "Ummmm totally. Oh no, we just buried it." "I see.. so who shot him?" "Umm..*looks around* Lt....Pencil....OvalOffice..."

Kim Jong Il is dead. Richard Wilkins reports the new King Kong film has ceased production in Korea.

 

House Sharing: 

My habit of screaming 'Carpe Diem!!!' as I pull out into oncoming traffic seems to have unnerved new housemate.

Housemate had a bad day. Said "Aww. If you were better looking, would you have liked a hug?" Housemate glared.

Just hung out washing for hungover housemate. Having now seen his underpants would like to confirm that he's not overly hung.

Laying on bed. Angled self so that fan blows right up shorts, causing billowing. Great time for housemate to walk in, as not wearing underpants. #HiThere

Housemate just bought new 50" plasma and blu-ray. He's hooked up surround sound and cranked the bass. I just shat without warning.

 

Having fun at work:

Made spelling mistake. Jokingly told co-worker that english is my second language. They asked what my first was. Boss interrupts by yelling "TWITTER!'"

A client just sent me an email I'd sent to her in 2009, carrying on the conversation as if no time has passed. I HAVE TO GET BACK TO THE ISLAND!

Sat here wondering if you can buy an actual starfish made of chocolate. Remembered I was at work just before I hit 'search' in Google.

New role is hard. Someone just called to ask me to retribmagate his SSH so he can retrandle port 889 to winflun his watoodatron. Um.. *cries*

That awkward moment when you're training someone and you receive an email from MANHUNT.COM.

I hope the tech I just spoke to is good looking because if he has to get by on his intelligence, his life is over.

Thirty minutes listening to a customer prattle on about his life without once mentioning what he called for. HE PROBABLY STILL WEARS AN ONION ON HIS BELT.

Co-worker: "What the hell are you listening to in your headphones? It sounds like a cat being forced to travel through time!"  Me: "Bjork..."

Customer: "So when it asked me for an email address I just made one up, but it will still know how to send the details to me, right?"

Things I've learned from customers : If you have a thick German accent, make sure you yell at the top of your voice. This makes you so much easier to understand.

All time rudeness record: Guy calls me and then says he has to answer his mobile phone. Been waiting 17 minutes listening to him chat so far.

No, can you click on the.. no, click...with the mouse..no, the other thing. Okay. So.. no, don't type anything, just click..no, click..PLEASE?

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<---- Exact copy of the amount of exclamation marks in a three line email a client just sent me #HelloMonday

0 <--- Exact copy of the amount of fucks I give.

"This customer doesn't have a domain with us but wants you to help troubleshoot because his provider isn't helpful" #HelloMonday

Mondays are such a veritable symphony of fucktard.

Customer: "I've gone over my quota and need more" Me: "We can upgrade your quota" Customer: "HANG ON, HANG ON.. WHAT IS 'QUOTA'?"

Me: "Would you like the $160 a year option?" Customer: "NO! YOU'RE OVERCHARGING! IT SAYS ON YOUR WEBSITE IF I PAY ANNUALLY IT'S $13.33 A MONTH!"

"The fact that you change your surname on each reply DOES NOT inspire confidence" - Customer, not dealing with the fact there are two Sebs in my team.

I'm not still at work because I have nobody to go home to. I'm still at work because of the really cool reason I'll make up and tweet later.

Very dumb student told lecturer his assignment was late because of our mail servers. We just sent proof to lecturer it was delivered in three minutes. #FuckYeah

Best phone call ever. As she hung up, could hear husband yell "About time Lorna! Now come and eat your bloody sandwich!"

Co-worker just mis-typed subject of email. Largest client receiving correspondence titled "RE: Your Accunt."

Me: "Can I grab your username?" Customer: "THRYDBUDIB GRFFSUDNIUD" Me: "Sorry?" Customer: "THRYDBUDIB GRFFSUDNIUD!" Me: "Um, can you spell that for me?" Customer: "D-A-V-E.."

The light in the lift was strobing so I just spent 10 minutes riding up and down pretending I was in Massive Attack's 'Safe From Harm' video.

 

Burning with shame:

I just tried to take off my jacket while still seated in my car. A couple with special needs training stopped and offered to adopt me.

Just received an email regarding the City to Surf marathon. As I leant in to read it my belly fat hit the delete key. Ce'st La Obese.

I still have funny tummy. And hilarious bottom. :(

Just spilled iced coffee all down my shirt. If I had long blonde hair I'd be shaking it back and forth in slow motion right now.

Did a belch so loud neighbour's kid yelled 'Nice one!'. Failing at gay today.

 

Opinions on popular culture: 

Make your own Helena Bonham-Carter doll by clippering off your pubic hair and dumping it on a piece of purple felt.

"Share a Coke with Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenberdorf" - No Coke can, ever.

Oh. My. Fucking. GAWD!. www.yvettesbridalformal.com

Blah blah blah sanctity of marriage, blah blah no to the gays blah blah KIM KARDASHIAN.

The exact lyrics to Snow's informer are: "Informer, curbvrzxb wctye bxdswvw dcewyvcewvc c38rrc&&#47bdvjbnc*E3d, a licky boom boom down.."

"Feeling weighed down, sluggish? I never do. I'm popular actress Kate Ritchie and I'm just saying things for money." #WhatAdsReallyMean

Pffft. I was on Google+ when it was just Google. 

Yes, Masterchef contestants. It's important to enter a cooking competition and then whine when they ask you to cook something.

"Your ingredients are beef, sand, yellow, street directory and sky. Please create your dish" - Heston Blumenthal on Masterchef.

J-lo. For when you can't afford Beyonce™

'It's Raining Men' isn't such a joyous anthem when you consider the shattered pelvises that occur on impact and the subsequent surgeries.

I miss Destiny's Child. It was fun watching Beyonce shove those other two bitches out of the frame in every video.

Thinking of pitching a queer redecorating reality show to HBO. I call it 'Gay Of Throws'.

America's judicial system to Lindsay Lohan: "Okay, I'm really serious now! I'm counting to three, Lindsay! One! Two! ...Two and 1/100th.."

David Guetta feat. some old eczema cream he found in the bathroom cabinet. Out Monday!

Pop Math: Amy Winehouse - smack + pies = Adele.

Pop Math: Jessica Simpson + Ashlee Simpson's old nose + 3 steaks + tinfoil + 300 metres of organza + flamethrower = Lady Gaga.

Ke$ha is like one of those 90's magic eye pictures. If you squint at her you can see a bucket of oil with a hair in it.

'Lady Marmelade' is pretty damn hilarious if you picture Scooby Doo singing it.

I wonder if Adele sings 'Rolling in the Derp!" to herself every time she does something stupid.

I've got the flu like Jagger. :(

Just did a poo like Jagger. :D

"I'm in the Louvre, like Jagger" - Mona Lisa, recently.

"I've got the hooves, like Jagger" - A horse, yesterday.

I bet Helen Hunt freaks out if you say you've made up a limerick about her.

Informer.. you know say daddy me snow me-a gon blame a licky boom boom down - Mark Twain

Baz Luhrmann injured on film set by crane, required 3 stitches. The crane clearly hadn't seen 'Australia' or it would have decapitated him.

 

Food:

Bacon - it's like the world's best blow job, but for your tongue.

If you drink two litres of Pepsi Max in two hours it makes your face tingle. Unrelated: My toes just told me to kill the President.

Had a very spicy lunch. It's changed the colour of my lips to 'whore'.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like. "Dude.. you should lay off those milkshakes."

I think my friend put too much garlic in his risotto. I just burped and suddenly there's a fully wrapped kebab with the lot on my desk.

 

Sex and Dating: 

95% of gay men are born that way. The other 5% get sucked into it.

When I was a young gay, to get laid I had to walk to the nightclubs uphill - both ways. Carrying a mirrorball. In the snow.

Is there a site called oasisinactive.com for people who really can't be fucked dating?

Think I had another sex dream last night. When I woke up my pillow was trembling in the corner.

I don't know why everyone is so scared of gay sex. Honestly, after the first 427 times it doesn't even hurt. Much.

Sex? Priceless. For everything else there's Masterbate™.

Online dating code: "I'm spontaneous!" = "I'm in your wardrobe!"

I'm not saying you're a lousy lay, but you could lay off shouting "SHA-ZAAAAM!" and doing spirit fingers as you orgasm.

 

My Brain Scares Me, Too:

If supermarkets had fitted their trolleys with car horns as per my request I could have made a few inconsiderate bitches shit their knickers today.

"Is Seb marked here as an organ donor?" "Not sure, says here to cremate him, mix him with glitter and fling him at Dannii Minogue"

I just made a new notch on my belt. Not because I had earth-shattering sex, but because my jeans just fell to my ankles while bringing in the bin.

My bucket list: 1) The light blue one in the cupboard. 2) The green one under the tap in the garden.

With all these people doing freelance work I really hope that Lance is released soon.

I never swear. I don't want people to think I'm a cunt. 

If I was a girl I'd eat heaps, then lose lots of weight. I'd then hang one of my resulting saggy boobs out of the car window while driving. 

Boobs. They're like antidepressants, but with nipples. 

Okay, now that I understand the difference between a 'bucks'  and a 'bukkake' party I would sincerely like to apologise to that bartender.

That awkward moment you realise you're not in Bananarama and have been wearing a mesh half-shirt and white bra to work for no reason.

If you get 'Girl From Ipanema' stuck in your head, does that mean your brain is on hold?

Just realised I'm not a seahorse. Feeling a little bummed.

I liked it so I put a ring on it. Now I can't get it off and I'm stuck with this awkward purple boner.

George Michael, if "guilty feet ain't got no rhythm" then why don't they use it as a decider in more court cases?

The official spelling should be 'BridesMADE'. As in '..the bride's made us wear these revolting fucking outfits'.

Idea: Drag Queen Name : Latoya Yellowribbonroundtheoldoaktree

If you hiccup at the same time you're clearing your throat the resulting sound is quite alarming. 

Unrelated: Anyone know how to put brain cells back in via your nose?

A tutu isn't big enough so I'm wearing a three-three.

Time to shave both head and face. I'm likely to be mistaken for a camp sea anemone if this goes on much longer.

Music makes the people come together. But not as quickly as a sly finger up the butt.

May you all have a day so awesome you suddenly find yourself in comic book form, running through corridors with Morten Harket from a-ha.

I'm not Pro Bono. He's annoying as hell.

You know you're an Australian when someone asks you for the 'quickest route' and all you can do is giggle.

So it may appear that today I'm having some kind of meltdown but don't worry. I already have a shaved head and I don't know any paparazzi.

Would it not be awesome if timesheets were in fact some kind of linen-based time travel instrument?

Is it telling that I just created a new iTunes playlist called 'Motivation', then added one song before sighing and deleting it?

"Come on, guys" really needs that comma in there.

"If you broke it then you shoulda put a sling on it" - Dr Beyonce.

Monica liked it so she put a Chandler Bing on it.

Friend's son playing Angry Birds: "What's the fat bird do?" Me: "Takes gay men to discos.."

*This tweet left intentionally blank*

It's not an eating disorder unless you've woken up one day with a melted Snickers bar in your armpit.

I have Wham's 'Last Christmas' stuck in my head. Now you do too.

"It's gettin hot in herre, so keep your intake of fluids up and take regular rest periods" - Sensible Nelly.

WEEKENDS ARE FOR CRYING AND EATING. THIS HAS BEEN A COMMUNITY SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT.

Sit, Oboe, sit. Good wind instrument.

When I was young my arch nemesis was this prick that stole my boyfriend. Now that I'm older it's nasal hair.

The winner takes it all. Then walks funny for the next few days.

Hit me baby, one more time. OUCH! I MEANT METAPHORICALLY YOU FUCKING PRICK!

My spirit animal is Burger Rings.

No. No Limits* (see picture below)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Favourite Hashtag: 

Dorothy Thunderclunge #1930sPornStarNames

Gus Tacklewhack #1930sPornStarNames

Magnuss Von Offenrect #1930sPornStarNames

Gertie Tunnelquim #1930sPornStarNames

Terence Jollyballs #1930sPornStarNames

Bertie Fapmore #1930sPornStarNames

 

All the best for 2012, Tweeps! Big love, @sebsharp