Showing articles tagged Personal

I think that my friends are incredibly patient, long-suffering, loving, talented amazing people. And I don't know what I'd do without them. I'm a very lucky man. 

Hi Mum, Hi Stepdad. Hi, Original Dad.

I wanted to say thanks for putting me here on the planet and for watering, feeding and raising me.  Original Dad, you turned out to be a complete tool but thankfully Mum did a great job in finding a crazy, hilarious Scottish replacement Dad who is my father.  

Mum and Stepdad, I know it's sometimes been challenging and more than a little interesting for you to raise an only child that at times wanted to be Sarah-Jane Smith from Doctor Who, was more than a little bit sensitive, needed to dance daily around the lounge room with the volume turned up to 11, was obsessed with comic books and reading, was hopeless at any sport, terrified of matches yet loved burning page after page of the phone book in our old wood stove, nearly checked out of life the first time he tried a trampoline, had such a need to express love and it brought tears to your eyes and as an adult went on to suffer from depression and anxiety so great that all you could do was wait and watch as your heart ached at being unable to help your only child.

Although I've kept you on your toes from the minute you met me you've always known what to do.  You took my coming out in your stride, you understood how the bullying at school meant I didn't want to pursue higher education and when I wanted to leave to work in a record store, you supported that.  When I wanted to switch to hospitality, no problem. When I decided I might give the DJ thing a try you believed I could do it before I was even sure I could.  And you always let me know how proud you are of me.  A lot of people have put me down in my life but you've always been there to build me up.  

You've always welcomed my partners and friends and given so much unconditional love to all of them that I can't put into words how incredibly proud I am of you.  Thank you for letting me be whoever I wanted to be, for never judging me and for always being there without hesitation.

I love you, Ma & Pa. x

Noodle Box.  And Diet Colas. Totally addicted to the two and would drive over a Nun to get to them.

I've got a pretty unique way of looking at things.  My favourite thing about myself is my brain.  I love the way I think yet it's also the thing that causes me so much pain and sadness.  But I wouldn't have it any other way. It's what makes me, me.

This is a shot of the DJ console I spent 10 years working from at Connections Nightclub - looking at it brings back so many amazing memories (I was even the one that painted it orange) and it also sums up my love affair with music over the past 33 years.  Now that I don't DJ that often (I'm in Cher-style retirement) I do all my mixing on my Mac but even without an audience to play to it's still something that brings me so much happiness.

I thought I'd continue the thread from my previous post with the picture of my Mum - here's a shot of me at 21.  This was taken by a very talented photographer named Philip Paratore.  You can check out more of his work at his site, Fotochic.  The shirt I'm wearing was made by designer and stylist Philip Boon, who was my partner at the time. You can check out his blog, 'Stylist Says' here.  There were some other shots taken later in colour on the same day but I like the black and white best.  Here's to good lighting and wide collars, people!

Dear Evil Legal Secretary,

Yes, it's me. The guy that did nothing wrong that you recently spoke to at your internet provider. How have you been?  I've been spending a lot of time thinking about you lately. 

You may think that I'm writing this letter as a form of retaliation for the unnecessary verbal abuse I suffered for close to an hour simply by answering your call.

But I would never do that. I know that you can't help being an evil succubus, it's not your fault.  No doubt you were destined to be a beautifully kind, stardust sprinkling, orphan adopting saint but somehow one of your ancestors sacrificed a goat to Satin instead of Satan, (it was an accent thing, rather than a lack of knowledge about the reigning CEO of the underworld) condemning you to a lifetime of doing the devil's handiwork, i.e. being a grade A, top ranking, award winning, world acclaimed fucking mole.

The way you shouted constantly to belittle me was impressive, and you clearly studied for years at Bitch School to be able to twist my words so easily to 'illustrate' your incredibly deluded point.  I at no time was judging you for the fact that you are too mind bogglingly dim to answer a question about whether one or two phone lines are listed on the Telstra bill in front of you.  In fact, I applauded the fact that you emailed a co-worker telling them that you 'weren't a technician' and you thought we 'had people' to deal with such 'trivial matters'.  You were obviously busy filling out your membership application to Mensa and had other things on your mind.  

It was an especially nice touch to demand a refund on work you commissioned and cancelled because you'd been too thick to understand what you were ordering.  The fact that you don't understand the process of 'ordering an internet connection' is perfectly understandable.  After all, you not only have to tell us a phone number, you then have to exhaust all your mental capacity by telling us you'd like the internet on that number.  All I can do is apologise, pat you on your beasty, horned little head and say 'There, there, you brain dead, evil, lying, condescending, life sucking waste of space'.

Above all I'd like to say that the panic attack I suffered immediately after your increasingly psychopathic call coupled with your obvious delight at bringing a grown man close to tears was totally deserved and at no time do I blame you for causing it.  The subsequent humiliation wasn't at all damaging to me and I know that the fact that you have to suffer that awful 'VOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH' sound (you know - like blowing across the neck of a bottle) coming from your vagina every time you stand in a light breeze is no doubt incredibly mentally scarring.

Lastly, I would like to wish you well.  As in, I hope you end up at the bottom of one, you insufferable bitch.

Sincerely,

Seb.

I'm proud of one of my recent kitchen successes.  I'm not really what one could describe as confident or necessarily 'talented' in the culinary domain.  It's no doubt linked to my phobia of supermarkets and grocery shopping but there is the odd occasion when someone brings over some staple supplies and I bravely launch myself at the nearest chopping board and hope for the best.

This is sometimes a good thing and the results can exceed all expectations. The problem is that it mostly ends up in the bin after failed attempts at salvaging the monstrosity I've just 'created.'

Since the age of 15, I have been the proud inventor of:

- Frittata AKA Accidental Ham & Asparagus Spongecake.

- Scrambled Eggs with bonus Megacrunch™ Eggshell Shards.

- Burned Candied Satay Whatthefucks

- Rubber 'I Can't Believe This Was Once Chicken' Curry.

- Roasted Firebomb Chicken Breast With Patented 'Gasmask' Garlic sauce.

- Salty Salt Soup with Salt.

- Gluten Free Vegetable Loaf with Surprise Rice Flour Centre.

- Stir-Fried Silken Tofu aka Plate Of Hot Yellow Goo with Undercooked Greens

- Gluten Free Blackened Pizza with Carcinogens.

- Light Grey Salted Greek Yoghurt & Blueberry Blend.

- Shrunken Dry Gemfish Fillet with TinyBones™

- Doorstop Muffins.

- Sandy Broccoli and Ultra Salty Soy Sauce Substitute Stir Fry

- Less-Chilli-Has-Been-Used-As-A-Torture-Method Nasi Goreng

- Vegetable and Beef Chinese Stir-Burn.

- Taco-my-god-these-are-vile.

And a time honoured classic....

- We're Going To Have To Bin This Saucepan Rice.  

That last one is expensive and isn't really a share house favourite.

But...

Last Sunday I made Fairy Bread for a 4 year old's birthday party. And it was devoured by those kiddies, down to the very last tiny candy speckle.  

Bolstered by this amazing success I decided to make Satay Chicken and Noodle Stir Fry on Wednesday night as I was having friends over. We ended up having to get takeaway and I may have invented a new dish called 'Slimy Sour Peanut Yurg' but nonetheless the pride felt from my fairy bread triumph remains.

Here they are, in all their glory:

- Take lunch to work every day from the 11th October to the 11th November.  Not only is this going to be a lot healthier it's going to save some of my hard earned dollars. So I can buy more Daleks.  Or pay more of my debts off. Pretty sure it's going to be Daleks. And by 'sure' I mean 'I've already ordered them online'.

- Read every day.  No time limit.  I was a very avid reader and I've gotten out of the habit.  I have a stack of books that I'm dying to read so this is the month to get into them.  I haven't set a time limit on reading because it's something I want to enjoy and if one day it's a paragraph and the next it's 200 pages it's still time well spent. Unless they're from the Twilight series.  Only kidding, I'm totally team Greg. He's one of the characters, right?

- 10.30pm Bedtime during the week.  I get up between 5 and 5.30am every day.  I've been going to bed at 12.30-1am most nights.  When I get up I'm often grumpy and look like I've been hit repeatedly in the face with a bag of hot coins.  Big ones.  MOAR SLEEPS.

If I can achieve these I'll be a very happy blogger indeed.

Without a doubt the single most thing that has had the biggest impact on my life is music.

From a toddler listening to my Dad rehearse for his gigs as a guitarist in a local band to being given my first walkman aged 11 to later becoming a professional DJ, music has always been the constant in my life.

I grew up in a country town that boasted one rock oriented radio station and the only access to new music I had was a weekly dose of 'Countdown', an iconic TV show that thrilled me with live performances from Culture Club, Duran Duran, Haysi Fantayzee, Madonna, Bananarama, Dead or Alive, Thompson Twins and countless others.  I had a mono cassette recorder that I would hold up to the speaker so I could record my favourite tracks on a 60 minute tape in a slightly distorted and fuzzy format.  

These precious recordings would tide me over until a few weeks later when 'Blues '52' a local store that sold clothes (mainly jeans) and music would get in copies of the songs on 7" vinyl single. Then, for $1.99 I would be able to snap up the record, hopefully in a picture cover so I could pore over every detail as I listened to my prized new purchase through Dad's headphones on the stereo in my parent's lounge room.  

A new record bought on a Saturday morning would ensure I'd listen to it non stop until my parents called me to the dinner table that night (hence the headphones).  It was so important to me that I knew know every word, every note of the song as well as who produced and wrote it, I had to memorise every detail right down to who designed the cover art and which record label distributed the track.

When I turned 12 I found out about 12" singles - a record the same size as an album that played at 45rpm instead of 33 1/3rpm.  These usually contained three songs, with the main, or 'A' side featuring an extended version of the main track, plus a 'dub' and an album track, meaning I suddenly had an 8 - 10 minute version of the song as opposed to the to the comparatively puny 3 or 4 minutes on a 7" single.   I bought my first 12" record in 1986.  It was a copy of Bananarama's 'Venus' (no judgements, please) and I still have it, along with a few thousand others collected both privately and over a 17 year career as a club DJ.  I've got the same amount of CDs and over 24,000 Mp3s but my favourite format is still vinyl.

Nothing I've ever experienced has filled my heart with so much love, excitement and meaning as music and I've been lucky to be able to work with it for so many years.  It's helped me make friends, given me the opportunity to play to crowds as large as a two thousand people and to meet some of my industry idols, like Mark Moore (S'Express), Frankie Knuckles, Tiga, Martha Wash (from the Weather Girls, later the voice of C&C Music Factory and Black Box) and even the girls from Bananarama.

My love for music meant I could go to parties (something I always dreaded) because I'd be asked to Dj for the night and I could be in my own little corner, doing what I love and still get to celebrate the event that I would otherwise avoid because I've always been uncomfortable in social situations.

Music has truly helped me navigate my way through life and given me so much joy.  Nothing will ever come close. ♥

Although I've become a fan of Batman, Wonder Woman and Superman as I've gotten older, my all time favourite super hero is without a doubt Hong Kong Phooey.  Five year old me was completely captivated by the adventures of Penrod Pooch, the police station janitor who could jump into a filing cabinet and emerge a kung-fu crimefighter.  

I still remember watching the show while eating red jelly and sitting in front of a portable air cooler at my grandparent's house, singing loudly to the theme tune and laughing my head off at Phooey's antics.

In a scenario borrowed from Get Smart and later used to great effect in the 80's animated show Inspector Gadget, Phooey was completely uncoordinated and usually ended up causing more damage and destruction than the criminals he pursued.  His success was completely due to his long suffering sidekick Spot, a cheshire-like cat who solved the crimes but remained happy to let his 'boss' take all the credit.

My Dad bought me a Phooey plush doll, a lunchbox and a t-shirt, and I could often be seen karate chopping my way across the front lawn with a bandit mask on and a makeshift belt stolen from my Mum's dressing gown.

I never did get the quick change filing cabinet I requested for my birthday but the lady across the road did make me an incredible Phooey cake and I was the happiest kid in town.

This is an easy one.  Procrastinating.  I procrastinate in the morning when I wake up.  I have a good procrastinate in the shower.  I'll procrastinate throughout the day, in full view of everyone like some kind of kinky delay-tactic pervert.  Then I'll be at home, late at night and I just can't get off to sleep without a long, hard sweaty procrastinate.

I think I may in fact be a procrastaholic.  I need a 12 step program.  Or an 11 step program.  I'll decide later. 

At school I was always the student sitting up all through the night trying to finish an assignment started that afternoon and actually due the day before.  

As an adult I avoid difficult tasks like getting back to people, leaving the house, becoming Australia's Next Top Model and depositing a bank cheque from October 2009.  

A lot of it is fear related (cue doing a wee in the corner and whimpering) because I roll like that (see Day One, Fact 9) but that doesn't make the fact that I put off until the eleventy-sixteenth of Octember what I could do today.

And if I have to say no to someone, I am king procrastinator.  You'll die of old age before I can get it together enough to let you know I can't make it to your art exhibition/club night/bar mitzvah/public flogging.  I will mean to get around to it, but then will be overcome with the sudden urge to reorganise all of my Bananarama records in order of hairstyle and fabulousness.  And that could take days, if not until a week after your party when you think you see me on the street but you're not to sure because I ran off around the corner, muppet arms flailing as soon as I spotted you.

So yes, I wish I could stop procrastinating.  I envy amateurcrastinators. You don't know how good you have it.

01.  I am an only child.  Family lore has it that two sleepless days and nights after I was brought home from the hospital my Dad decided infants with a 12 octave vocal range weren't his thing and snuck out to book a vasectomy.

02. I'm gay and have known I was from age 12 or so.  I've never been interested in girls and nearly vomited after an unexpected french kiss with a girl called Natasha on our Year 8 river cruise.  I'd just leaned in to tell her how much I liked Bananarama and before I could say 'I know all the dance moves to Venus' I had a mouthful of braces and tongue.

03. I grew up in a country town where I was noticeably different to the other kids my age and could often be seen sprinting along streets at lightning speeds, closely followed by a pack of classmates wielding A-Team rulers and open tins of baked beans.  To this day my worst nightmare is being invited to Mr T's house for an all you can eat legume themed buffet.

04.  I wanted to be an actor from a very early age and reached the dizzying heights of playing a plank of wood from a picket fence like it was an electric guitar in a Bunnings commercial in 1989.

05.  I was a rapper in a truly awful electronic band called 'Lurex Groove' with a five foot redheaded lesbian who later became a hooker.  

06. I recorded guest vocals on a house track called 'The Trip' by DJ Kulture in 1994.  It was shopped around a few record companies but ultimately couldn't get signed because it would be too expensive to clear the multitude of samples it contained, among them 'Helyom Halib' by Cappella and 'The Message' by Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five.

07. Although I was a little too tall at 6'5" I signed with a model agency in the late 80's and booked a bit of work, appearing in Revelation magazine and a few parades for local designers.  I enjoyed it but it didn't amount to much, aside from a portfolio with a few photos I can bring out to show people so they can look at them, at me, then back at the photos before asking "What happ... um, I mean you look very differen... um.. more wine?"

08. I've worked on and off as a professional DJ for 17 years.  My first big gig was a warehouse party playing 11pm-midnight to 1500 people.  I vomited before the gig and was shaking so much I could barely put the needle on my first record.

09. I'm agoraphobic and my biggest issue is being in supermarkets.  I've not been able to successfully shop in one without assistance for close to ten years.  I've worked with two psychologists had hypnotherapy and cognitive behaviour therapy to overcome a lot of other issues but have yet to conquer Coles.  Fuck you, Curtis Stone.

10.  My favourite track of all time is Donna Summer's 'I Feel Love' and I've played it at hundreds of gigs during the years.  Despite being over 30 years old it still sounds incredible on a big sound system.

11. When I was 10 my cousins and I choreographed a dance routine to 'Knock on Wood' which we performed on the front porch of the house with tinsel curtains strapped to our heads so we had silver disco hair extensions.  Despite this and several dozen other indications throughout childhood my Mum was still shocked when I came out to her years later.

12. When I was 15 my best friend Melissa convinced me to tell my Mum I was a flaming homosexual.  Melissa was heavily pregnant at the time with her boyfriend Charlie's baby and came along for added moral support.  I started to cry and my voice was so high pitched and strangulated that when I eventually got out the words 'Mum, I'm GAY' she thought I said 'Mum, I'm ENGAGED' and flipped out, yelling that it wasn't my baby and screamed at Melissa to get out of the house.  The next two hours were like World War 3 and I didn't dare correct her.  I waited three years until I tried again and went with the less classy 'I like men'.  She got the message that time and she's been nothing but supportive ever since.  (Strangely enough when I told her about the mix up when I was younger she didn't find it amusing in the least.)

13. I worked as an Executive Producer at Groove FM (a youth radio station that played mainly Hip Hop and R&B) for two years. Three weeks after getting the job I had a huge argument with a very rude and aggressive promoter who had brought a US act he was touring in for an interview. When it almost came to blows I pulled the interview by throwing him and his act (someone called DJ Muggs) out of the station and told him I didn't give a fuck who he thought he was, he was nothing if he was going to behave like an idiot.  The group he had with him stayed quiet but gave me death stares as they left.  I was very shaken after the altercation but kept a brave face until one of the younger staff I had just thrown out half of Cypress Hill.  I made one of the 18 year old announcers walk me to my car that night just in case.  She was more than happy to oblige.

14. I've done a lot of voiceover work and can do a range of accents and goofy voices.  Testament to this is one of my Grandmother's favourite stories from my youth.  One afternoon she heard three kids yelling at each other from her backyard.  She went outside to find me with a pair of pantyhose over my head, pretending to mug two other imaginary kids for their lunch money.   

15. I have two other blogs. One is about my career as a DJ ( www.sebsharp.com ) and the other is about my struggles with depression and anxiety ( www.projectseb.com ). Both are written with a lot of humour and the latter is designed to connect with others in the same situation and possibly offer a bit of help along with a healthy dose of me whining about how scary Coles is and how punching Curtis Stone might not be such a bad idea. 

What better way to start a new blog than an *exciting* 30 Day Challenge! There's no better way, right?  Well, aside from possibly writing some original content but it's a long weekend and I really can't be bothered. So there.

There's a list to follow and there don't appear to be any rules aside from general common sense, such don't leave a baby zebra unattended in your bedroom so it seems this is going to be a cinch.

And then you, gentle reader, can visit each day to find exciting, nay thrilling new content and develop a compulsion to click on the link you're no doubt saving in your browser as we speak... as I type...  as you read...   fuck it , guaranteeing me future FAME and PROFIT or at least a TELLING OFF FROM MUM FOR BEING SUCH A SHOW OFF.

Here's how it works  - post every day for 30 days :

day 1- a recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself

day 2- the meaning behind your blog name

day 3- a picture of you and your friends

day 4- a habit that you wish you didn’t have

day 5- a picture of somewhere you've been to

day 6- favorite super hero and why

day 7- a picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you

day 8- short term goals for this month and why

day 9- something you're proud of in the past few days

day 10- songs you listen to when you are happy, sad, bored, hyped, mad

day 11- another picture of you and your friends

day 12- how you found out about blogging and why you have one

day 13- a letter to someone who has hurt you recently

day 14- a picture of you and your family

day 15- put your ipod on shuffle: first 10 songs that play

day 16- another picture of yourself

day 17- someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why

day 18- plans/dreams/goals you have

day 19- nicknames you have and why you have them

day 20- someone you see yourself marrying or being with in the future

day 21- a picture of something that makes you happy

day 22- what makes you different from everyone else

day 23- something you crave a lot

day 24- a letter to your parents

day 25- what I would find in your bag

day 26- what do you think about your friends

day 27- why are you doing this 30 day challenge

day 28- a picture of you from last year and now, how have you changed since then?

day 29- in this past month, what have you learned

day 30- your favorite song
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Let the blog times roll!